


Let Me Know

by AndYourPoint



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 11:12:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5705578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndYourPoint/pseuds/AndYourPoint
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't Let Me Go</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Know

There are plenty of times in my life when my heart has stopped. At any given moment I could be on the other end of devastating news, a career ending injury, the last line of defense, and many other things. In those moments, I have seconds to react, seconds to process what’s happening around me. In those moments, my heart stops and I’m left with nothing but the hollowness of whatever my thoughts can produce in so little time. _Can I survive this? Can I fix this? Can I ignore this?_

**_Can I stop this?_ **

When my heart starts beating again, those questions are usually answered. _Yes, possibly, no, I hope to God._

So, what happens when all I can muster is the most unsatisfying answer of all?

_I don’t know._

It was the only thing echoing through my mind when my heart started up again seconds after I walked through my front door.

The look on her face confirms that she had experienced something similar when I walked in. I was home _way_ too early and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. The conversation we’re about to have wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She wasn’t supposed to see me realize what was happening. I wasn’t supposed to see tens of boxes scattered around the interior of our house filled with various possessions of hers.

She was not supposed to see the moment I understood that she was leaving.

“Where are you going?” I ask her. Half of this conversation happened simply with the scene before us. I already know what she’s doing, but by the looks of it, I don’t have to time to argue over that part.

“Away… home, I don’t know. Somewhere that isn’t here.” She answers already ready to cry.

“Why?”

“Hope,” She huffs at my question, almost disbelieving. “This isn’t working. **You** know this isn’t working. I can’t keep doing this with you.”

“Doing what, trying to make it work? After all of this, you’re giving up?” I ask growing frustrated.

“Giving up? That’s all I’ve ever done for you. Hope, I gave up my place in Jersey, I gave up multiple relationships with people warning me about you, I prematurely ended my career… and I gave all of it for you. I tried Hope, I tried to put my energy into us and believe that we were worth it, but this isn’t the home you promised me.” The tears are freely flowing down her face now.

She’s right. She has done nothing but give for me, but she doesn’t realize that I would give anything for her. She would never ask and maybe I took advantage of that, but I would move mountains with my bare hands if she wanted me to.

“But it can be. We just need more time Kell.” I plead.

“We don’t have that luxury anymore. I don’t have any more time left to give you.” She says dropping another book into the box at her feet.

Counseling, date nights, talking about our feelings, planning for the future, we were doing it all right. A year and a half of this and though I know somewhere it went stale, I thought I was far from coming home to packed boxes.

“Then why didn’t you tell me? Why did it have to get this bad before you said anything? Why did I have to come home and see this for this to come up? We live in the same damn house and you avoid my phone calls like you’re back in Jersey “too busy” to talk to me!” I exasperate throwing my bag and keys on the floor.

“How hard is it for you to open your eyes? Look around Hope, do you see anything resembling someone who’s happy in this relationship? You’ve only ever had eyes for your job and for so long that’s what I loved about you, but there has to be some room for me too!” She yells, matching my frustration.   

We just can’t quit each other. We’ve always done this toxic dance of being so deeply in love then hating each other from across the country. It’s always been hot or cold, never an in between. Although I’ve been more at fault, I still could never say no to her. She could announce that we were done and spit the most god awful words at me, but 3 weeks later I would be on a plane in the middle of the night the moment she called. It was unhealthy and it was killing us, but stopping would’ve killed us too.

“I wanna be done with this.” She says wiping her tears from her face. “Want to go back to being happy with someone and in love with someone. We can’t do that here.”

“And I’m telling you that we can. I can be that person for you and you know that. Tell me what you want me to do, tell me what I have to do to make you see that.” I beg, tears threating to fall from my eyes.

Kelley is someone who is purposefully readable. She wears her heart on her face and it’s a double edged sword. The way she’s looking at me right now, after what I just said, it’s heartbreaking. It’s telling me that she’s tired and that she has nothing left. It’s too late and she wants me to be the one to say it because she can’t bring herself to.

“I just wanna go home, Hope.” She whimpers.

“Then let’s go.”

“Hope, that’s not-“

“Let’s go.” I cut her off. “Let’s go find a home. Tell me which one you want and we’ll go there.”

“We tried that and look where we are now. What if there isn’t one for us?” She says turning to grab another book.

“When I promised you a home, that doesn’t have to mean the one we have. This place where we’re unhappy and dying, this is not our home. Tell me what you want and trust I will find a way to get us there. Don’t let me go Kelly, not now, not after all of this.” I argue.

Her family was practically begging her to leave me, our friends stepped in at every turn to keep us together, or apart, but it wasn’t enough. After the torture of a relationship that we had, it became well over too much. If we couldn’t say no, then it had to be a yes. We had to go all in. I was so solidified here in Washington as a GK coach, leaving just didn’t seem logical to me. Kelley had year or two left in her as a defender, but she gave it up and retired in favor of moving in with me and finally trying making this work.

 “Don’t leave without me, not again. Don’t let me go again.” I say trying to ignore the crack in my voice. She has to hear what I’m saying. There has to be a part of her that’s listening to everything I’m saying and still wanting to fight for it. This could go either way, but I am far too scared to find out what would happen to me if she chose to leave. I don’t wanna know a Hope without Kelley.

“But what is it’s not enough? Love has never been enough for us, that’s why this all happened. After all of this, it’s still not enough. We’re not happy Hope, we can’t stay like this forever.” She presses.

“Tell me anything and everything and we’ll go. I won’t tell you to wait or that I can’t right now or that it’s not convenient, tell me and I will pack a bag and we will leave. Tell me what you want and I will give you everything you asked for. If we leave right now, you can have it all. I can be that home for you.” She could take me anywhere in the world, to a mansion or a mud hut and I would let her. She is what I’m fighting for and I’ll be damned if I don’t do everything in my power to prove that she is worth that.

“Why now? We had years to do this and couldn’t. I’ve had enough and I’m finally doing something about it.” She says angrily throwing the last book into the box.

“And if you’ll let me, I’ll ask on more thing of you. One last thing that I will ask you to do for me and if you love me at all you’ll consider it.” I plead with her. She exhales in a sob, but turns all her attention to me anyway. “Don’t. Don’t do this. Put your stuff down and come with me.”

“How is that gonna fix us?” She chokes out taking a few strides towards me. It’s not rhetorical, it’s imploring. It’s that part of her that wants to keep fighting, asking me to throw her a line.

“Hell if I know. It might not fix anything at all, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to try.” I say closing the gap between us. “Say the word and I’m no longer Hope Solo GK Coach for the Seattle Reign. I won’t be Hope Solo part of the coaching staff for the USWNT. I’ll be done with Hope Solo; Problematic Favorite. Say the word and I’ll only be Hope Solo, crazy in love with Kelley O’Hara and doing everything to make sure that she knows that. So, where do you wanna go?”

At that, Kelley finally breaks down. She buries her face into my chest and grabs fistfuls of my shirt to keep herself up. I wrap my arms around her tightly and will myself not to lose it with her.

“So, we can head east to Maine, south to Texas, anywhere in between, or we can go the airport and buy a ticket to wherever you wanna go.” I say after a beat.

“Anywhere?” She sniffles quietly.

“Anywhere. Just let me know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song (No Wyld). It has been a long time since I have picked up the proverbial pen. I'm clearly a tad rusty, but I'm proud to have been able to produce something tangible. I think. Well technically I hate it and know I can do better, but I'm supposed to feel that way. The important part is how you feel about it. Leave your thoughts.


End file.
